Jeanne Alm's Humour

The Secret to Understanding Men

Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
   1. Present it to the President of the United States.
   2. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
   3. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
   1. Innocence.
   2. Idealism.
   3. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
   1. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow minded social conventions.
   2. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
   3. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only the really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you must have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
   1. A cat.
   2. A dog.
   3. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
   1. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
   2. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
   3. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
   1. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
   2. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
   3. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
   1. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
   2. "They're in school already?"
   3. "There are three of them?"
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
   1. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
   2. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
   3. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife, is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her).
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
   1. He was being tested.
   2. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
   3. He refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
    1. Democracy.
    2. Religion.
    3. Remote control.

Technology Notes

At a recent Computer Expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car 95" or "CarNT". Then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.

The Plan

In the beginning, there was a plan, 
And then came the assumptions,
And the assumptions were without form, 
And the plan without substance,

And the darkness was upon the face of the workers,
And they spoke among themselves saying,
"It is a crock of shit and it stinks."

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pile of dung, and we cannot live with the smell."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying,
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, 
Such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves saying to one another,
"It contains that which aids plants growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor 
Of the company With very powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan 
And saw that it was good,
And the Plan became Policy.

And this, my friend, is how shit happens.

from anonymous email